Welcome back to the Rolling Stone Everything Index, where we rank the weeks pop-culture power players, based solely on their proximity to unlimited breadsticks.
Yes, theres plenty happening in the pop-o-sphere this week the NFL is falling apart, Scotland is voting for independence, Rihanna is pissed and the Olive Garden is under assault. Luckily, were here with our advanced algorithms to put them all in proper order. Lets get Indexing.
1. The Wrath of Rihanna: CBS feels the fury of Rihannas Navy after it pulls Run This Town from Thursday Night Football. We cant possibly see a problem here.
2. Olive Gardens Breadstick Policy: Undaunted by hedge funds takeover-inspired takedown of its endless-sticks strategy, Olive Garden declares that unlimited breadsticks convey Italian generosity. Theyll make your arteries an offer they cant refuse.
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3. SNLs Bro-Tastic New Hire: Pete Davidson joins the cast of NBCs long-running sketch show. We cant wait for his updated takes on classics likePicking Up Girls at the Free Clinic and How to Tell if a Hot Girl on Instagram is Actually Hot in Person.
4. Scottish Independence: Scots head to the polls Thursday to decide if nation will leave United Kingdom after more than 300 years. Were going to plead American ignorance here, and assume this would be like, what, North Dakota seceding from South Dakota or something?
5. Miss America: Kira Kazantsev wins it all with one plastic cup and a fairly liberal reimagining of Pharrells Happy. How she beat Miss Ohios ventriloquist act is beyond us. Its 2014, BTW.
6. Robin Thicke: Paulas ex claims he washigh on Vicodin and alcohol when he recorded Blurred Lines. When he shot the video, he was presumably fueled by Viagra and pure hubris.
7. Urban Outfitters: Retailer reaches new low, tries to pass off blood-spattered Kent State sweatshirt as part of their sun-faded vintage collection. They should stick to what they do best: ripping off designers.
8. Surge Soda: The granddaddy of sugar-packed colas is back after a 12-year hiatus, and its looking to recapture the throne, give you diabetes.
9. The NFL: Adrian Peterson is returning, Roger Goodell is reeling, Ray Rice is appealing and the former head of the FBI is handling an independent investigation. Other that that, things are going great!
10. Leonardo DiCaprio, U.N. Ambassador: If his dedication to that goatee can match his commitment to peace, were all going to be living in a better world.
11. The Mockingjay Part I Trailer:Katniss fights back against her celebrity, claims she never wanted any of this. Did she have nude pics leaked too?
12. Law & Order SVU: NBCs all-time great procedural premiered 15 years ago this week. We miss Stabler, Cragen and Munch, but after 340 episodes, Olivia Benson is still the baddest cop in the business [cue the L&O sound].
13. Kanye Wests Chevron Haircut: West debuts new cut, complete with geographic patters that resemble the Chevron logo. It works; after all, Kanye seems likely to be engaged ina $9 billion lawsuit with Ecuadorean villagers at some point, too.
14. The Michael Winslow Comeback: Police Academys human soundboard returns with cameo on new Run The Jewels track. If only Commandant Lassard could see him now.
15. New Zealands National Party: Sued by Eminem after usingLose Yourself in a campaign ad. Hey, when youre running against Kim Dotcom, desperate times call for desperate measures.
16.Death Cab For Cuties Marching Bands of Manhattan: Plans standout is the last song band played at Chris Wallas final show. Now its also the soundtrack to our rapidly fading youth. Damn you, DCFC.
17. iPhone 6: Regretting your decision to wait in line for one yet?
18. Eva Mendes and Ryan Gossling are Parents: Photogenic couple welcome first daughter, tee up the easiest lede in existence.
19. Happy Birthday, Nick Jonas: Rapidly swelling former Jo-Bro turns 22 today. Thats, like, 56 in teen-idol years.
20. The Avalanches Since I Left You: Why not?