Welcome to another edition of Rolling Stones Everything Index, where we rank the weeks pop-culture power players, usingan advanced algorithmic method based almost entirely on whether or not they can kill us.
Thats why American Horror Storys truly terrifying Twisty the Clown tops this weeks list hes way more dangerous than Taylor Swift (no matter what her exes say) with the likes of Randy Orton and, uh, Ebola not far behind. What can we say? Were always afraid. But while were still breathing, here are this weeks rankings: the good, the bad and Everything in between.
Lets get Indexing.
1. Clowns: Upset with American Horror Story: Freak Show for giving their kind a bad name. Apparently John Wayne Gacy was just doing community outreach.
2. Taylor Swifts Out of the Woods: Sensational new single is probably about her ex, Harry Styles, is definitely the greatest thing hes been associated with since the man bun.
3. This Kesha/Dr. Luke Thing: If you need us, well be over here.
4. Randy Orton: WWEs Apex Predator becomes unwitting star of new meme, RKOs the entire Internet. Coming soon: 10 Adorable Dogs Getting the Stone Cold Stunner.
5. Ebola Coverage: Somehow, typing WERE ALL GOING TO DIE! still seems measured by comparison.
6. New iPads! Apple set to unveil a new line of tablets that will be thinner, faster and just as pointless as ever.
7. Foo Fighters Fantastic Week: Dave Grohl and Co. continue highlight-reel run, jamming with Zac Brown and Heart, celebrating new HBO doc with Chicago club show. Name a band having more fun right now.
8. Hozier: Irish crooner delivers breakthrough SNL performance, climbs the Billboard charts with Take Me to Church. Bob and Doug McKenzie liked him before he was cool.
9. Missouri: Withthe Royals in the World Series and the Cardinals still alive, the Show-Me State is having the best week ever. You know, except for all the Ferguson stuff.
10. Zach Galifianakis: American hero delivers best response to red-carpet question about his weight loss: Im dying.
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11. Binge-watching Twin Peaks: What better way to gear up for the return of David Lynchs oddball opus in 2016? As an added bonus, by the time the opening credits finish, its already 2015.
12. The Twerking Teacher: Former kindergarten teacher quits to become a professional twerker. Why, of course she lives in Florida.
13. Iggy Azalea and Snoop Dogg: Instagram feud has us feeling sticky-icky-icky. And not just because it made Azealia Banks reappear.
14. Edward Snowden Says You Should Avoid Facebook: Apparently, in Russia, people still use Facebook.
15.Friends on Netflix: Starting January 1, youll finally have the chance to watch your favorite episodes of beloved NBC sitcom. Or you could just watch TBS right now.
16. Gwen Stefanis New Single: Baby Dont Lie heads to radio this weekend. Shocking, given the success of that last No Doubt album.
17. HBOs Standalone Service: Cables standard-bearer will offer streaming service to folks without a subscription. At last, a way to circumvent HBO Gos stringent security measures.
18. DC Comics Upcoming Films: Were getting 10 new superhero flicks over the next six years. Highly optimistic, since it assumes well care about an Aquaman movie, will still be alive in 2020.
19. Erykah Badu Busks in Times Square: And makes money while doing so. If she really wanted a challenge, she would have asked tourists if they like stand-up comedy.
20. Neil Youngs Media Blitz: The gift that keeps on giving.