Welcome back toRolling Stones Everything Index, where we rank the weeks pop-culture movers and shakers, whether they want us to or not.
Using a top-secret formula (which well explain one of these days) and ahigh-powered computing system, weve created a comprehensive countdown of the music, movies and memes that will dominate discussions until next Tuesday when well presumably have moved on to something else. Pop culture is a fickle mistress indeed.
The Everything Index: Rolling Stone Ranks Pop Cultures Most Memorable Moments
Heres everything were obsessed with this week.
1. Mariah Careys Batshit New Album: The trailer. The cameos by her three-year-old twins. The illustrated portrait. Honestly, the fact its called Me. I Am Mariah The Elusive Chanteuse is only like the fifth craziest thing about it. The most-anticipated album of 2014, 15 and 16.
2. Your Cinco de Mayo Hangover: Hope the dolor de cabeza was worth it, Shawn.
3. Joel McHale at the White House Correspondents Dinner:From starring on Community to ribbing the Community Organizer-in-Chief: Its amazing that [Obama] can still bring it with fresh, hilarious material. My favorite bit of yours was when you said youd close the detention facility at Guantanamo Bay.
4.Justin Bieber and Rob Fords Club Fight:Two of Canadas national treasuressupposedly exchanged wordsin a club earlier this year. Kind of like the epic Chris Brown/Drake bottle-throwing brawl of 2012, only translucently white and slowed by Type 2 diabetes.
5. The Return ofLouie:Hes back. And sadder than ever.
6.The NFL Draft:First round begins Thursday. Will Johnny or Jadeveon go #1? Can Mel Kiper Jr.s mane be tamed? And how manyJammin Jalapeno Boneless Buffalo Wingscan we fit in our mouth at once?
7.ThePalo AltoCast:No one scuzzes it up like rich white kids.
8.Jameis Winston, Crab-Leg Thief:Heisman winner turns to life of crime to satisfyinsatiable crustacean cravings. Apparently he didnt realize FSU stands for Free Shrimp University.
9. Amy Schumers and Gabourey Sidibes inspiring Ms. Gala speeches: Someone put these two in charge. Of everything.
10.Miley Cyrus Gets Crude:Pop provocateur goes for shock-and-awe once again,slathering herself in oil and getting all S&M-lite in new video. Sadly, short of a speculum cam, nothings gonna shock us at this point.
11.Cambridge Paving Stones:Nations leading (only?) manufacturer of high-quality concrete pavers carpet-bombs the NBA playoffs withubiquitous commercial. Our annoyance is coated in ArmorTec.
12.Michael Jacksons Love Never Felt So Good:Fantasicnew single off MJs posthumousXscapealbumis technically from 1983, yet fits perfectly alongside 2014s Pharrell-heavy pop. Who says we havent made progress?
13.Riff Raff, Animal Lover:The rap game .GIFdyes his dog blue, draws the ire of PETA. Of course, it all might be an elaborate hoax kind of like Riffs career.
14.Sad Kanye:Newly discovered photo finds West channeling hisinner KeanuduringMexican zip-line adventure. If we had to spend that much time with Kim Kardashian, wed be bummed too.
15.TheFriendsFinale Turns 10:Central Perk, Allesandros, David Schwimmer now just Chase Banks.
16.Donald Sterling onSeinfeld:Disgraced Clippers owner berates George Costanza for associating with black people inamazingAdult Swimdub. No word on his feelings about Snoopy and Prickly Pete.
17. The Grand Budapest Hotel Cruise:Because you have not experienced the glory of Wes Andersons vision until you have experienced it out at sea. Ahoy, whities!
18. The HorrorsLuminous:New album from shape-shifting Britsfinds them still shoegazing, but inching towards the dance floor. Like 2012sSkying, its a wide-screen affair, but nods to Madchester point it in a decidedly darker direction. Take drugs, kids.
19. Quartzazium:Black Keys drummer Patrick Carney prank-calls his label as Quartzazium, a New Age artist from Rhode Island, attempts to score a record deal. Call him rocks Sol Rosenberg. After all, hes already got the glasses and the shoes.
20.Kim and Kelley Deal Cover Gigantic:Shots fired.