Welcome to another edition of Rolling Stones Everything Index, our midweek rankings of pop cultures power players and watch makers.
Yes, after months of speculation, we finally know when we can get our hands on Apples shiny new timepiece thingy how were going to afford one is another matter entirely. Still, that didnt stop us from putting the Apple Watch atop this weeks list, ahead of Kim Kardashians new hair color, The Bachelor finale, Iggy Azaleas self-imposed Instagram hiatus and a Georgia case involving goat theft. Honestly, we cant believe it either.
So while we idly stare at our naked wrists, lets get to our midweek hit list: The good, the bad and Everything in between. Lets do some Indexing.
1. The Apple Watch: Latest unnecessary iAccessory debuts April 24. Now you dont need a Purity Ring to tell the world youre a virgin.
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2. Kim Kardashian Goes Platinum: KK dyes her hair, incurs the wrath of the Internet. Were not sure why Draco Malfoy thinks she looks amaaaazing.
3. The Blurred Lines Lawsuit: Jury decides Robin Thicke and Pharrell ripped off Marvin Gayes Got to Give It Up, awards his estate $7.3 million judgment. There goes Mike Seavers college fund.
4. Zoolander 2: Derek and Hansel walk the runway at Paris Fashion Week, announce sequel to cult classic, go on a selfie spree through City of Lights. At this point, it doesnt matter if the film will be any good; theyre already Blue Steel-ing our hearts.
5. The Bachelor Finale: Chris Soules rails against tradition, picks the blonde one.
6. Racist Frat Bros in Oklahoma: Uproar after Sooner chapter of SAE fraternity is caught using racial slurs on camera. Almost as shocking? They apparently have cameras in Oklahoma.
7. Kendrick Lamars New Album: Its called To Pimp a Butterfly, its coming in two weeks and its going to be fucking awesome. No punchline necessary.
8. Georgias Goat Thieves: Four teens charged with livestock theft after high school prom-prank goes awry. If this happened in Florida, they wouldve made the goat prom king.
9. Washington, D.C.s Mystery Goo: Hazmat team cant identify strange substance discovered in District residence. Are they sure it wasnt John Boehners bronzer?
10. Iggy Azaleas Instagram Respite: Fancy rapper ghosts on the Gram, turns account over to her management team. Its a slow week.