Hes made friends, enemies, some memorable Eighties movies, loads of Tiger Beat covers, a didnt-see-that-coming comedic comeback and a few notorious sex tapes and now, Rob Lowe can say that hes truly arrived, because Comedy Central has roasted him. Joining the ranks of Hugh Hefner, Justin Bieber, Flavor Flav and this guy, the former Brat Pack heartthrob willingly stepped up on the dais with a bullseye on his back, as everyone from roastmaster Jeffrey Ross (dressed as Purple Rain-era Prince) to Jewel (?!?) laid into him with the most offensive zingers imaginable. And as is the custom with these take-no-prisoner events, everyone one onstage was fair game. Folks made jaw-dropping cracks about Pete Davidsons dad dying on 9/11, the size of Peyton Mannings head and host David Spades career choices. As for Ann Coulter, the conservative blowhard with the pained smile and a new book to promote lets just say the phrase human piata comes to mind.
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In light of Comedy Centrals premiere of the event last night, weve collected 25 of the broadcasts best barbs the funniest, most shocking and plain ol meanest jokes of the evening. We do not condone or endorse any of these remarks, even the Coulter ones; were simple reprinting them for your reading pleasure. Youve been warned. Read on.
25. Rob, the only thing you are consistently on is Twitter which is surprising because you have never been able to master one character, let alone 140. Peyton Manning
24. Jewel is here or as I call her, Trailer Swift. Nikki Glaser
23. [on the lack of diversity onstage] Its great to be here at the Comedy Central Roast of White Privilege. Jeffrey Ross
22. SNL has just released a compilation of David Spades funniest sketches its called The Best of Chris Farley. Rob Lowe
21. Jeff Ross, I love that new hairstyle, pal it makes it so much easier for women to describe you to the cops. Now all they have to say is, He looked like fat Pitbull.' Peyton Manning
20. Peyton Manning is here tonight because Eli [Manning] is still out there, making his dad proud. Jewel
19. Hey Ralph Macchio is here! The Karate Kid II is the worst sequel since WWII and Pat Morita had to suffer through both. Rob Riggle
18. Is it true that [Rob], youre deaf in one ear? That could be a real problem sometimes because you cant hear the girls parents coming home. Jeff Ross
17. Rob was in a movie called The Outsiders, playing a character called Soda Pop which made sense since he was about 98-percent coke. David Spade
16. [British-Irish comic] Jimmy Carr knew that he was funny at age nine, when he made his priest laugh so hard that cum shot out of his nose. Rob Lowe
15. Peyton [Manning] had a long and prestigious career in the NFL hes played with some of the all-time greatest rapists, murderers and wifebeaters. Come on, the only people that get more concussions than NFL players are their wives. Jimmy Carr
14. Pete Davidson its hard to recognize him when hes not on SNL, or not on an adventure with the man with the yellow hat. Jewel
13. Rob came up at a time when a sex tape could really ruin your career. But he had to do it the hard way: with his acting. David Spade
12. Lets give it up for Rob Lowe or as gonorrhea doctors call him, Patient Zero.' Pete Davidson
11. Pete Davidson, I really do think youre going to be the next Adam Sandler and I knew it the minute I saw David Spade blowing you before the show. Rob Lowe
10. Jewel, your teeth are like the Spice Girls: Theyre all different colors and doing their own thing. Nikki Glaser
9. [After Coulter bombs her set] Ann, what happened you wrote 11 books but you couldnt write one fucking joke? Jeffrey Ross
8. Ann [Coulter] seems stiff and conservative, but she gets wild in the sheets just ask the Klan. I havent seen you laugh this hard since Trayvon Martin got shot. David Spade
7. [Rob], you look like youre sculpted. You put the statue in statutory rape. God, I had such a crush on you when I was a little girl. If only Id known thats when I had my best shot. Nikki Glaser
6. David Spade, amazingly, has slept with some of the most beautiful actresses In Hollywood proving just how ugly show business makes women feel. Jewel
5. Ann [Coulter], after your set tonight, weve all witnessed the first bombing that you cant blame on a Muslim. Rob Lowe
4. Jeff Ross is going to party like its 1999; Ann Coulter is going to vote like its 1899. Jewel
3. Without Fhrer ado, Ann Coulter! Ann has written 11 books 12 if you include Mein Kampf. Nikki Glaser
2. Ann Coulter is here. If you are here, Ann, who is scaring the crows away from our crops?!? Pete Davidson
1. Everyone is asking, why is Ann Coulter here tonight? Because the right-to-lifers wanted everyone to see what abortion looks like up close. Rob Lowe