Stephen Colbert recounted the Week in Trump on Tuesdays Late Show from the presidents latest Twitter spat with porn star Stormy Daniels to his delusional defense of Saudi Arabia in the Khashoggi case to daughter Ivankas inspirational quote gaffe.
The comedian opened with Trumps one victory this week. Earlier this year, the president described Daniels who alleges they had an affair in 2006 as a liar on Twitter, which prompted the porn star to file a defamation lawsuit. A judge dismissed that suit on Tuesday, ordering her to pay Trumps legal fees.
Thats tough, but if shes looking for a way to raise money, Ive got a good idea: Start a GoFundMe campaign called For $10 million I will stop describing Trumps penis, Colbert cracked, referring to Daniels now-infamous mushroom character from Mario Kart line.
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Judge S. James Otero ruled that Trumps speech was protected by the First Amendment because it was the sort of rhetorical hyperbole typically associated with American politics. But Colbert fired back, Its only normal because Trump made it normal. Like, now its normal to be buddies with Kim Jong-Un yet fear the cruel and devious Canadians.
Trump celebrated his legal victory on Twitter after the ruling, insulting Daniels by calling her Horseface. (Yes, Horseface, Colbert said. You heard it straight from the horses ass.) And the porn star returned the favor, tweeting, In addition to hisummshortcomings, he has demonstrated his incompetence, hatred of women and lack of self control on Twitter AGAIN! And perhaps a penchant for bestiality. Game on, Tiny.
Wow, wow. Whew, Colbert said. That is the most devastating presidential putdown since John Wilkes Booth shouted, Sic semper small penis! Anyway, the president of the United States and a porn star are exchanging ad hominem attacks on Twitter, or as Judge Otero would call it, normal.'
Meanwhile, the commander-in-chief is facing more serious issues. Its looking more and more like his buddies in Saudi Arabia murdered Washington Post journalist Jamal Khashoggi in their Istanbul consulate, Colbert said, noting that Saudis used a cleaning crew before Turkish investigators were allowed into the building and that Turkish investigators who searched the consulate found surfaces had been painted over.
At this point youd either have to be stupid or delusional to believe the Saudis denials, the host said. Luckily, our president is both.
Colbert ended on a lighter note, pulling up Ivanka Trumps Tuesday tweet, The secret of change is to focus all of your energy, not on fighting the hold, but on building the new. Socrates. But it turns out that quote wasnt from the Greek philosopher but from a gas station attendant called Socrates in a fictionalized memoir written by former American gymnast Dan Millman.
I look forward to all of the other inspirational quotes that Ivankas gonna tweet, Colbert said. Like Live, Laugh, Love Plato, Dont talk to me til Ive had my coffee. Jesus Christ, Gas, Grass or Ass. No one rides for free. Optimus Prime, Beer before liquor, never sicker. Mother Teresa and Hang in there, baby Nelson Mandela.