Welcome to another installment of Rolling Stones Everything Index, where we rank the weeks pop-culture power players, some of whom even managed to remain fully clothed.
Lets just get this out of the way: Kim Kardashians butt-baring stunt for Paper magazine has worked to perfection. Its all anyone is talking about, which is pretty depressing and then you read the caption that accompanies her cover shoot (Break the Internet) and somehow, it takes you to an even darker place. Are we all pawns in her Pavlovian posterior experiment? Is her continued existence the punishment we, as a society, deserve? How much petroleum-based lubricant was spilled in futile attempts to cover her backside?
The mind boggles. And while it would be nice to just ignore her, its our solemn duty to take stock of the pop-culture landscape, and, quite frankly, Kardashians ass looms large. Real large. So with out sincerest apologies, lets get to our midweek rankings: the good, the bad and Everything in between. Lets get Indexing.
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1. Kim Kardashians Paper Magazine Cover: Yep, thats her oiled-up butt. No, were not going to say anything else about it we already feel terrible enough about ourselves.
2. Dumb and Dumber To: If we set our expectations impossibly low, we cant be disappointed, right?
3. The Taylor Swift/Spotify Spat: Entering week number two. For those keeping score at home, Swifts now fighting for the rights of artists and superfans alike. But what of the poor Subway customer?!?
4. Dewitos: Mountain Dew experimenting with Doritos-flavored beverage. If you drink it, do you get Heartabetes?
5. Eminem: Drops anti-gay slur, raps about punching Lana Del Rey like Ray Rice in new song. If hes reverting to early aughts Marshall, does that mean hell be beefing with hand puppets too?
6. Gwydion Lashlee-Walton: So hot right now.
7. Nicki Minajs Nazi Video: Her Minajesty apologizes after Anti-Defamation League calls her Only video a new low for pop cultures exploration of Nazi symbolism. And yet, its only the fifth most awful thing Chris Brown has been associated with.
8. Garth Brooks Joins Facebook: Just in time for the release of his new album, Brooks joins the hottest social site of 2010. You know Chris Gaines is lurking somewhere on Snapchat.
9. Pink Floyds Louder Than Words Video: Its like Planet Earth, only with a dude rowing a boat through the clouds and a Floyd soundtrack. Basically, its one serape away from being your roommate during freshman year.
10. Broad City: Comedy Centrals breakout hit returns in January, with twerking, titty chips and the terrific Susie Essman. Our bongs are packed and ready.
11. Rihanna Goes to Washington: Ms. Fenty visits the nations capital, either to launch a dramatic filibuster or take sexy pics at the White House. Care to guess which?
12. Christoph Waltz Sings the Sesame Street Theme: Bleak, like Berts unrequited love for Ernie.
13. Ushers Bold Marketing Strategy:Releasing his new single in specially marked boxes of Honey Nut Cheerios. Might be a new career lowand he was in The Faculty.
14. Heidi Montag, Humanitarian: Pneumatic former Hills star invites Amanda Bynes to crash in her guest house. The most depressing thing about that sentence is probably the fact that Montag is still rich enough to have a guest house.
15. Ariana Grande and Jesse J, Blasphemers: Omnipresent pair to remake Brandy and Monicas R&B classic The Boy is Mine. Is nothing sacred? Thats a rhetorical question, BTW.
16. The Real Housewives of New Jersey Reunion: Almost makes you feel sorry for Teresa Giudice, except for the whole multiple counts of fraud thing. Then again, were pretty sure shes unaware any of this is even happening.
17. Franklin & Bash Canceled: Where will be get our Breckin Meyer fix now?!?
18. Nick Jonas: Newly bulgy Jonas Brother continues predictable solo push with sexy lyric video for new single. Wed call his muscle-bound transformation shocking, but remember; hes from New Jersey.
19. Football as Football: Six designers give NFL teams a European soccer-style makeover without the leagues consent. Oh, like thats any dumber than NFL games being played in London?
20. The Polar Vortex: Fuck you, nature.