This week, on the Rolling Stone Everything Index, weve got Katy denying her cartoonish roots, Kanye kinda premiering new music and Miley doing the kind of cultural appropriation that only requires a rudimentary knowledge of Photoshop.
As always, weve used advanced algorithms to compile this weeks power rankings. But unlike previous installments of the Index, were giving the #1 spot to the late Robin Williams. Its a small tribute to a man of large talents, and we wouldnt dream of making light of his passing. Other than that, though, there are plenty of pop-culture potshots to go around. Heres our list for the week ahead.
1. Robin Williams: No joke here. R.I.P. to a legend. Oh, and fuck you, Shep Smith.
2. Katy Perry, Archie Comics Character: Despite speaking, acting like a cartoon, Katy denies ripping off buxom Archie Comics character Katy Keene. She always struck us as more of aCheryl Blossom anyway.
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3. Kanye Wests All Day: Low-quality version of Yes supposed single leaks. Aside from sounding like it was recorded off someones answering machine, its hard to pick our favorite moment the random coughing at the beginning, or the part where someone asks Did you just turn on the lights? And you thought Yeezus was weird.
4. The Teen Choice Awards Are Rigged: Turns out fan votes dont always determine the winners of fake awards. We dont know what to believe in anymore.
5. Nazis Working at McDonalds: Burger assembly line forced to apologize after customer finds swastika on her chicken sandwich. Grimaces dark secret is finally revealed.
6. Daniel Radcliffe Hates Harry Potter: Or at least his acting in 2009s The Half-Blood Prince. To be fair, we hated all of them equally.
7. The Apparently Kid: Adorable ginger kid enters second week of Internet celebrity. Hes already gone viral, done every morning news show and been remixed by the Gregory Brothersup next: a stint on Celebrity Rehab.
8. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Stupid re-boot takes in nearly $66 million at the box office. We deserve everything we get from here on out.
9. The Miley Cyrus/Nicki Minaj Hannah Conda Feud: Nicki gets angry after Miley co-opts the infamous Anaconda single cover. At this point, is there anyone Minaj isnt feuding with?
10. Tamra on The Real Housewives of Orange County: 40-something toddler throws (yet another) tantrum, threatens to quit Bravos reality TV show. Dont get our hopes up.
11. Blond James Franco: Actor bleaches his hair, automatically transforms into a boy-band benchwarmer from the early 00s. Or Fred from Scooby-Doo.
12. FKA Twigs: British singer-producers LP1 earns rave reviews. Its the album youll love for the remainder of 2014, then completely forget about. High praise.
13. Drake Runs Afoul of the NBA:League hits Toronto Raptors with $25,000 fine after global ambassador Drizzy woos Kevin Durant from the stage, thereby violating anti-tampering rules. Good thing theres no NBA player named Started From the Bottom.
14. Foo Fighters Sonic Highways: Dont let the unironically goofy album cover fool you; new Foos record will still kick ass.
15. Robyn and Royksopps Monument Video: Much like the song itself, were not sure why the video has to be seven-minutes long either.
16. Kendall Jenner: Keeping Up with the Kardashians Rated Rookie reportedly storms out of restaurant, tosses cash at waitress who refused to serve her alcohol. Turns out she is as horrible as her half-sisters!
17. Pauly D Gets a Haircut: Pauly D is still a thing.
18. Black Lips vs. Kiss: Always-unhinged Atlanta rockers demand complete and utter surrender of the Kiss Army. Gene Simmons hits back, saying they live in their moms basementthough dont most Kiss fans?
19. True Blood Auction: As the fangs-n-feelings dramedy says farewell, HBO is putting more than 1,500 items from the show up for bid, including the first two seasons when it was actually good.
20. The Expendables III: Turns out your grandpa didnt disappear from the nursing home, hes just been cast in Sly Stallones latest. Call off the search.