Alec Baldwins Donald Trump returned to Saturday Night Live for a press conference cold open where the president delivered a rambling speech that centered on declaring a fake national emergency in order to build his border wall.
Im here to declare a very urgent, important national emergency. This is a big one so I dont want to waste any time. Thats why first I want to blow my own horn, Baldwins Trump said before gloating about how shredded he is and an upcoming summit with North Korea.
Lets cut to the chase, folks: We. Need. Wall. Okay? We have a tremendous amount of drugs flowing into this country from the southern border, or the brown line as many people asked me to call it.
The president continued, Wall works. Wall makes safe. You dont have to be smart to understand that; in fact, its even easier to understand if youre not smart You all see why I need to fake this national emergency, right? I have to because I want to. Its really simple.
The president then authored a gloomy forecast for the remainder of his term in office: I gonna sign these papers for emergency and then I will be immediately be sued and the ruling will not go in my favor and then itll end up in the Supreme Court, then Ill call my buddy Kavanaugh and say Its time to repay the Donny, and hell say New phone, who dis? and then the Mueller report will be released, crumbling my house of cards and I can just plead insanity and do a few months in the puzzle factory and my personal hell of playing president will finally be over.