Welcome to another installment of Rolling Stones Everything Index, where we ignore facts and logic and instead pick the weeks pop-culture power players based on our own biases and phobias. You know, just like the midterm elections.
And while most pundits will proclaim that America now belongs to the Republicans, we respectfully disagree: America belongs to Taylor Swift. Not only does she have the Number One album in the country, but her pop-culture clout is so great that she was able to withstand charges from a teenaged Target employee and Rihanna to once again top this weeks countdown. Shes basically the president at this point.
So while were all waiting to see what Swifts first executive move will be (our guess: banning British imports), here are the midweek rankings: the good, the bad and Everything in between. Lets get Indexing.
The Everything Index: Taylor Swift Takes on Twisty the ClownEmmys 2019: 10 Biggest Snubs25 Songs That Are Truly Terrifying
1. Taylor Swift: Bodies the biz by selling 1.28 million copies of 1989, flexes her muscles in standoff with Spotify, becomes Global Ambassador for NYC. Is there anything she cant do? (Besides pronouncing Houston Street correctly.)
2. The Midterms: Way to go, America. You deserve everything youre (not) going to get over the next two years.
3. Alex From Target: Photogenic Target employee/viral sensation may have been an elaborate hoax. Or maybe not. Either way, ogling barely legal teens will never be the same.
4. Rihanna Returns to Instagram: Badgalriri is back on Insta after a six-month hiatus. Already, shes posted sexy Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles pics and a racy Esquire shoot. Its like she never left.
5. Benedict Cumberbatch Engaged: Somehow, the Internet is still working.
6. Oprahs Favorite Things: The Big Os 2014 list is out, and we cant decide if we should spend our hard-earned cash on the $710 hypoallergenic dog bed or the $214 V-neck. How much does filling the chasm inside us cost?
7. Grand Theft Auto in First Person: Coming soon to Xbox One, PS4 and PC. As if Ebola, ISIS or the Republicans midterm victory didnt already seal it, were never going outside again.
8. Voting Selfies: Congratulations, person we went to high school with, on performing a basic civic duty. Thankfully, no one on Snapchat is old enough to vote.
9. Zosia Mamets Rap Video: Girls secret weapon drops verses in newly discovered pre-fame clip. Her flows not terrible, either! Your move, Allison Williams.
10. The College Football Playoff: How could anything involving Florida, Mississippi and Alabama not be progressive?
11. Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel Expecting: Couple reportedly preparing for baby number one. Unless theyre having twins, in which case, the second one will be a total bummer.
12. Randy Orton: WWEs Apex Predator rides viral wave to unexpected face turn of course, he got his head slammed into some steel steps for doing so. Wrestling is real, you guys.
13. Utopia Canceled: Not enough NeNe.
14. Father John Mistys I Love You, Honeybear: Shamanic singer-songwriter/occasional Everything Index author announces new album, weirds out Letterman audience with laugh-track laced performance. Our Father Johns are already misty with excitement.
15. This Lena Dunham Sexual Abuse Debate: Ongoing. If you need us, well be over here.
16. Chris Botti: Trumpeter brings NFL players to tears with stirring rendition of the national anthem. We thought Reggie Wayne was crying because he has to live in Indianapolis.
17. Soda: Your days are numbered, Diet Squirt.
18. Chris Brown: Singing/dancing cautionary tale gets into spat with Adrienne Bailon, Ashoka Tano and Tamar Braxton after they questioned his relationship with Karrueche Tran. One of those people is not real, BTW.
19. Titan Jewell Witherspoon: Kelly Rowland and husband Tim Witherspoon give their newborn son an amazing name, make the guest list for Blue Ivys third birthday that much closer to a Scrabble board.
20. Hanging Out With Bill Murray: He bikes to work, loves cops and gives out novelty cakes. Not surprisingly, you learn a lot when you spend a weekend with Bill.