Carl Brutananadilewski is an authority on many things pornography, driving while intoxicated, groping women at Foreigner concerts though its his extensive knowledge of pro football that has brought him fame and fortune. Or at least fame.
For nearly a decade, hes used that expertise (limited almost exclusively to the New York Giants) to become one of the most prominent pigskin prognosticators in all of Southern New Jersey, and his Stone Cold Lock of the Century of the Week has become required viewing for fans looking for that last-minute gambling edge. And the occasional conspiracy theory/drug-fueled flashback/xenophobic rant. Just like Colin Cowherd!
So, with NFL training camps officially open this week and the final episodes of his cult-favorite show, Aqua Teen Hunger Force, airing Sundays at midnight on Adult Swim Rolling Stone caught up with Carl to get his hot takes on the upcoming season, the leagues myriad of offseason controversies and why 2015 will be a big year for the Big Blue Wrecking Crew.
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With NFL training camps opening this week, I guess the obvious question is, Are you ready for some football?
Im definitely in training; Im doing lots of carbo-loading. You burn a lot of carbs watching the NFL Network. Right now Im watching a show where Rich Eisen takes you on a tour of players bathrooms. Its like Cribs, but its called Cans, where they just show all these cool toilets. Ndamukong Suh bought one of Saddam Husseins golden toilets and put it in his mansion down in Miami. Its a cool show, you should check it out.
Its been an eventful offseason for the G-Men what was your reaction toJason Pierre-Paul losing a finger in a fireworks accident?
Let me tell you, the only finger JPP needs is the middle one, to just hang in front of Chip Kelly this year. JPPs like an eagle; they aint got ten fingers, but they got strong talons, you know? In solidarity of JPP, I cut the finger off my foam finger, so Im just going to be waiving a fist this year, just so JPP knows Im with him in spirit.
What about Eli Manning? Theres a lot of pressure on him to lead the team back to the playoffs
Elis a legend, hes one of the top five quarterbacks to have ever touched the pigskin. Mark my words, hell have a couple more Super Bowl rings before its all said and done. Hes not as good at doing pizza commercials as his brother is, but thats about the only thing he doesnt beat his brother at. And, sure, he looks like hes getting ready for his third-grade yearbook photo, strutting around the Big Apple in his Toughskins and his cowboy shirt, but Elis an all-timer. Hell be fine.
Mostexperts dont see the Giants winning the NFC East. Safe to say you disagree with their predictions?
Who else they picking? Philadelphia? Oh yeah, the Eagles. Let me tell you, right now, Timmy Tebows got them holding group prayers for third place in the NFC East. Like, Gods really gonna shine down on Sam Bradford! Ive got news for you: God hates Sam Bradford. Otherwise He wouldnt make his knees bend like that. I can say that cause Im a Catholic.
And the Cowboys are a circus. They got Tony Romo, who, it sucks when he starts playing well, because I cant use some of the nicknames Ive developed for him over the years. When hes playing good, he makes me look like an asshole. Tonys a proven winner; just like Peyton Manning. Hell keep you in the game, he will keep you in the playoff hunt, he will get you to the first round, and thats when he slips on the ol banana peel.
In short, I look for the Giants to go 14-2 this year.
OK, so before we get to the rest of your predictions, Id like to get your take on a few of the NFLs hot-button issues. First, Roger Goodell do you think he needs to step down as commissioner?
Listen, I speak truth to power. People dont want to hear me talk; my opinions are dangerous to the league. Roger Goodell? Hes got no moral compass. You gotta know whats right I think child abuse or hitting your wife are bad things, but maybe you give the guy a game suspension for that. The leagues gotta remain competitive, you gotta keep that parity. The guys are sorry, they said so! And hindsight is 20/20; I know that Ray Rice, had he known there were cameras in that elevator, he woulda never done that to his fiance.
Same with Adrian Peterson. You know, kids today, theyre outta control. You dont have to be that way with your kid, you could be like my dad; he approached it the right way he left when I was 7 and didnt tell me or my mom where he was going, and that was his way of not abusing me. And for that reason, I respect him.
What about Tom Bradys suspension? He says hell fight his four-game ban; do you think the league overreacted in regards to Deflategate?
Ive got some controversial views about Brady. I believe he was created in a lab; Tom Brady didnt exist before 1995, and you know why? Because he was created in a lab, right down to the chin divot. But Im gonna give Brady some credit, I dont think he knew about the deflated balls. You know those key fobs they have on cars I cant afford, where you can start it from a distance? I think Belichick was using one of them to inflate and deflate the balls remotely as the game progressed. I think they got it calibrated where its perfect for Bradys hand, then overinflated it for Andrew Luck. Look into it. Thats a take nobody has the guts to go to the mat with. Im in danger just saying it. Outspoken people like me disappear all the time look at Fireman Ed. Hes gone. He heard the whispers. Im endangering my life talking to Rolling Stone right now.
You just mentioned Andrew Luckwhats the deal with that guys beard? Its pretty gross.
Its like hes busy building barns with the Amish or something. I dont know what his deal is. Someone needs to tell him Papa John aint interested if you got a neck beard. Hell hire a zitty teen, sure, but if you want the big bucks, run a comb through your hair, get your teeth capped. Youre a professional, you look like a barn animal.
What about all the big-money contracts? Do you think its crazy that Ndamukong Suh got $114 million from the Dolphins?
All Ill say is, if Ndamukong Suh is making the kind of money hes making for stepping on peoples balls and spitting in their faces, I should be looking at seven figures right now. Someone should sign me because, yeah, Ill step on someones face, I dont care. Ive done it before. Ive done it for free. Ive paid someone money to do it!
What about Russell Wilson? We could talk about his ongoing contract situation, but I figured youd have more to say abouthis chastity vow with his girlfriend, Ciara
Thats news to me! Ive never heard of Ciara, because I dont listen to any music recorded after 1987. Is she like Roberta Flack? Shes gotta be 13, right? Thats the only reason for this chastity thing. Im a big fan of getting it all out; to me, semen is like venom you gotta secrete all of it, so youre light and youre ready to unload on a Sunday. Thats why I close the strip clubs on a Saturday night. I try to take care of my business in the VIP room so I can focus on the game, and Im not thinking of the cheerleaders or that woman at the bus stop that I had an issue with; I was complimenting her looks, and she got all cranky about it! Anyway, if you dont take care of that with a handy in the parking lot, your minds gonna be elsewhere. Its not gonna be on the game.
Youve become famous for your pigskin prognostications. Can you describe your process for me?
I look to the occult. See, down on the boardwalk, I consult with a palm reader and when she sees my palms are rosy, thats when I know not to bet on the Redskins! And since my palms are always rosy, I never bet on the Redskins! Get it? RedSkin! Rosy Palms! Im always masturbating! Think about it.
Ah, it dont matter. I wouldnt never bet on the Redskins anyways. They suck. See, thats just a small part of the secret to gridiron success: Never bet on the Redskins. But theres a bigger reason Ive been able to amass an impressive record of winning slightly-more-than 50 percent of my professional football wagers. Im a creature of habit. I follow weird, superstitious rituals, you know, like Wade Boggs. Or the Pope. Win or lose, I dont never wash my underwear until after the season is over. Also, the Friday morning of my picks, I eat a microwavable Hot Italian Beef Sub from the Wawa down the street. When they took my keys after my fourth DUI, thats the only food place close enough so I can walk to it.
Anyways, it aint all superstition. I also use science, like Billy Beane did with Moneyball and that Nigerian Warlord did to gyp me outta all that money. I have an advanced software program on my Tandy RS80 called Pigskin Prophet. Its still a little buggy since the upgrade it was written before the Carolina Panthers were a team. But I plug in my stats and my player notes and it spits out a winner. I have to account for computer error. It picks the Raiders to win way too much. I wish the whiz kids at Radio Shack would update the program to tell it that Kenny The Snake Stabler is retired now, and also dead.
Who are some of your fantasy football sleepers this season? Were all looking for an advantage, and your expertise would be a big help
I dont play fantasy, buddy, I play reality. I dont live in Game of Thrones world. Winter aint comin in my world, its real time, and I watch everything in real time. I got my mom to pick up the NFL Network for me, she dont know about it, dont tell her. I order some chow mein, settle in. I tend to keep a Maxwell House coffee can next to my recliner, so I can piss in it and not have to miss any of the white-knuckle, smash-mouth action. I get two cases of beer, I usually nod off about 9, but I usually come to around 10:30, catch the last half of the late game. If I could do that every day, that would be my fantasy.
OK, so lets get to it. Who is Carls Stone Cold Lock to win Super Bowl 50?
You really gotta ask me this question? The G-Men, the Big Blue Wrecking Crew! Itll be tight in the first quarter, but theyll run away with it. Ill say 70-3 over Denver. Maybe 77-5, where Denver gets a safety on some technicality, cause of some gambling thing. The Giants are taking the Broncos to the house. Im only three beers in, but I feel good about it, so mark it down.